Gary's Story
by Figure.10
Summary: Gary Harrison was the perfect little Mormon boy. Things change. -/Non-slash/- Rated M for strong themes.
1. Lying From You

**Author's Notes: **This story is about Gary, from the episode "All About the Mormons?" Very few original characters,

the other Mormon kids and adults, are in here. This story is much more emotionaly heavy than my previous ones.

Each chapter title is the name of a song, deal with it. This is not a songfic, the songs just go along with the

theme of that particular chapter. The song's artist will be listed at the end of each chapter.

It is somewhat auto-biographical, and so it contains things some may find offensive, including

mental dissorders and atheism. If you have any questions about this story or just Mormonism in general, feel free to PM me.

This story is not meant to insult anyone, so please keep an open mind. You have been warned.

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**Chapter 1: ****Lying From You  
**

Gary sat all alone on the stage in the dark event room, listening to the dull 'thud' that echoed around the huge space

everytime he tapped his foot against it's wood-panneled side. This was his hiding place; where he went we things

overwhelmed him. He could faintly hear the sound of his friend Kody giving a talk in the chapel behind the folding

partition. Gary had been coming here alot lately. Mostly to get away from Jenny. That girl..the one with the eyes

like a burning forest. But this wasn't the time to think about her, he'd get too worked up. Not good at church.

He stopped tapping his foot and jumped down from the edge of the stage.

There was a loud 'clunk' as his shiney black dress shoes touched the smooth wood floor. He started to pace back and

forth, like he always did, thinking of how he should act. What he should say to her today. If anything. Why did he do

this all the time? Every fucking week?

There was that word again.

_*fuck*_

_*fuck!*  
_

_ Shut up!_ But Gary's head kept repeating it. He hit it each time the offending word popped up, but he knew it wouldn't

stop.

His mind seemed to love to see him suffer.

It had been like this ever since he started hanging out with Craig and those guys, he had turned in to someone he hated.

Now he was trying to get back to normal. Normal wasn't as easy as it used to be.

Bad thoughts and words were everywhere, and he couldn't stand them. Everytime he turned on the TV. Everytime he

walked through a crowded hallway. They played on a constant loop through his head everytime he heard one.

Or even _thought_ he heard one. But Gary had to stay away from them. He was better than that, much better.

Gary had to be _perfect_.He had to be worthy.

Maybe if he was perfect enough, God would answer his prayers.

Maybe if he was perfect enough, Jenny would love him.

Gary heard the organ music swell, Sacrament Meeting was over. It was time for class.

He trodded slowly over to the big wooden doors, the ones closest to the stair case. He could hear people talking and laughing

as they walked down the halls to their various classes. Gary spotted his friend Kody in the throng and waved him over.

"Hey, dude, where were you?" The look of genuine concern on Kody's face was almost unbearable for Gary. He fiddled with his

CTR cufflinks.

"Oh just...walking around.", he mumbled.

"Brother Kitspatrick said he'd bring brownies today, you think he'll remember?", Kody joked, as Gary fell in step along side him.

Gary laughed, their sunday school teacher couldn't remember anything. He couldn't remember _shit_.

"Dude, what's the matter?" Kody stopped in his tracks, leaving the class of Sunbeams behind them to walk around. Gary hadn't

even relised he hit himself in the head again. Some women walking by looked at him, worried expressions on their faces.

This was going to be hard to explain.

"Uh, I just thought a fly landed on my forehead, was trying to squish it.", he mubbled, flicking imaginary fly-residue from his

fingers convincingly.

The women wrinkled their noses and kept walking to Releif Socieity. Kody laughed. He always seemed to belive Gary's stupid

excusses. Everyone did.

And how couldn't they? He was just a perfect little Mormon boy.

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"You boys are late", Brother Davis scolded, as Gary and Kody's embarrassed faces appeared at the door of room 13.

The other kids turned to stare at the newcommers. Jenny was one of them. Her long brown hair falling gracefully onto her shoulders

as she turned her pretty head.

"Sorry, Brother Davis.", both teenagers chanted in unison. He smiled and let them find their seats.

The ugly brown-painted metal of the chair creaked slightly as Gary sat down. He'd just have to get through this one class with her,

then he could go to Young Men's and hang out with just his friends, his Mormon friends. The ones who didn't cuss.

Hopefully Brother Fitzpatrick would remember those brownies he had promised the boys, he though scepticly.

Gaty tried his best to focus on today's lesson, but he kept hearing those words again...replaying them in his mind. Also, Jenny looked

so beautiful today in her white blouse and beige skirt, with one small braid running trough her hair. The perfect girl. The one he most

likely didn't deserve....

"Gary?"

Gary was pulled from the fog of his thoughts by Brother Davis's voice. All the kids turned to see what the hold-up was. He didn't even

have his scriptures out!

"Dude, we're in Alma, pull it together!", Kody whispered. A few girls giggled as Gary started flipping madly through his quad, trying to

find the passages written on the chalkboard.

Church hadn't been the same since these obsessive thoughts started invading his mind.

Could everything ever be normal again?

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**Author's Notes: **_Lying From You, by Linkin Park_


	2. Figure09

**Dissclaimer: **I do not own South Park, or any Mormon boys. _*sniffle_*

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**Chapter 2: Figure.09**

Monday morning- 10:23 a.m.

Gary sat in English class, they were supposed to be having a big quiz today, the one he had been up nights studying

for at his mother's insistance. The regualr sceduele had been forgotten, however, and now he was stuck here

watching the teacher scribble a dettention form for Clyde, who had been caught sending naughty pictures to Bebe

Stevens. Clyde boldly tapped his pencil on the desk and whistled. Kenny laughed heartily from the back row.

"Get your feet off of your desk, Mr. McCorrmick.", the teacher barked. Kenny didn't move his red Converse off the

peeling laminate top of the old desk, and instead responded cooly, "Mr. McCorrmick is my dad's name, if you need a

nickname for me, I prefer 'Stud Muffin'."

Craig and those guys busted out laughing. The rest of the class didn't have the balls to challange Mrs. Trayer like that,

and went with muffled giggles instead. Gary winced slightly at the sound of Craig's unmistakable nasal-tone voice.

He had managed to avoid the teen for the first part of this year. He had balked at the idea of having three classes with

him this semester. At least Stan and Kyle were still nice to him. They were pretty much the only ones now....

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_~Gary has a flashback~_

It had all started last year, in seventh grade. Gary and Craig had become best friends, through a strange fluke of nature,

and they were bunking together on the annual seventh grade trip to camp up at Stark's Pond. He was so exited!

He got to leave school behind for a week and basicly have a nature-sleepover with his best friend!

Craig had always been a trouble maker, and Gary was drawn to the crazy stuff the boy would do and say. He had had alot of

fun with him, mostly doing stuff his parents definatly would not have condoned if they knew about it. Craig was always the

leader, just like he had been in grade school. Still, Gary always assumed Craig was his real friend, and would be there for

him for more serious things than playing hookey and stealing candy bars.

That October night proved him wrong.

Gary had never slept so far away from home. His family lived near the border of South Park and North Park, very far away

from Stark's Pond. He had hoped he would be able to stay up for a bit and talk to Craig, maybe sneak out and fling rocks at

the girl's cabin, but after "lights out!", when he asked Craig to stay up with him and he just flipped him off, his plans were

thwarted. Gary remembered lying there in bed, staring up at the bunk above him. His mattress was as hard as a preist at a

playground. He laughed to himself, Craig had tought him that joke. He tried to sleep, but he kept thinking about his family

and his warm bed at home.

He told himself to calm down; after all, it was only for a week. Gary was eleven now*, he had to man up.

He relised he was breathing much faster than normal. Gary tried to calm it down with thoughts of all the fun activites that were

planned, but to no avail. Strong emotions seemed to fill his mind like tear gas.

Anger at Craig for not at least trying to be a good friend.

Fear of not being able to sleep at all tonight.

Dissapointment in himself for feeling homesick.

Guilt because he had made the desicion to come here.

Worry that Craig and his other friends would think he was a pussy for feeling this way.

He felt alot more too, but he couldn't find the words to describe them. Gary felt sick all of a sudden. He wanted to get these

terrifying feelings out of him, but all his body could do about it was to give his dinner the same treatment.

He ran into the boy's bathroom....

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It was insane how much Gary didn't want to remember this. Mrs. Trayer eyed him warily.

"Gary, come up and get your test scores."

The other kids were staring at him, how long had he been daydreaming? He got up rather shakily, bumping Butters' desk

as he made his way up to Mrs. Trayer's bobble-head-cow-adorned desk and pulled his grade sheet weakly out of her

wrinkled hand. He could hear some kids laughing in the back row.

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Gary examined himself in his full length mirror after his evening shower. His golden blonde hair stuck to his forehead,

curling up at odd places from the water pressure. His face as handsome as it had always been, exept perhaps for the dark

circles that had developed under his eyes both from anxiety and lack of sleep. Gary looked dissapointedly down at the

rest of his body. He was about 5' 7'', fairly muscular from all the hiking he did in Boy Scouts.

Gary sighed and removed the towel from around his waist, and pulled on his underwear. He hoped he could get some

good sleep tonight. Tomarrow was supposed to be a snow day because of a huge snowstorm. Gary got under the covers

and closed his eyes. He hated being alone with his thoughts.

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**Author's Notes: **I hope this chapter has cleared things up a bit from the last, stay with me! More drama awaits!

Don't forget, my friends; more reviews means faster updates! Aynonomous reveiws are welcome as well!

Also, no, not ALL the chapter titles will be Linkin Park songs! He he...my OCD is showing.

*His birthday is in December, so he's a little younger than your average seventh-grader.


	3. Coming Undone Breathe Into Me

**Chapter 3: Coming Undone / Breathe Into Me**

**Author's Notes:** Woah, this chapter is kinda long, long for me anyway. Hints the two songs in the title.

This chapter is where the warning on the first one is realy justified. More South Park characters also make an appearance.

The disclaimer still applies. Thanks for voting in the poll! :D -Just edited-

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The violent wind whiped around the fragile trees in Gary's front yard, snaping the branches off like glow-sticks.

There was no school because of the awful storm, and he was home all alone. Of course, for a Mormon boy, being

home alone isn't realy the same as for normal people.

Gary sat on his bed on his stomach, reading the last chapter of his book for English.

*zzzztttt*

*zzzzzzzzttt*

He grabbed his vibrating cell phone out of his jean's pocket, and flipped it open.

"Hello?", Gary said, more loudly than was his intention, into the microphone.

"Hey, can you come and pick up The Guys?"- Gary sighed, it was Butters, again, "They got preeeetty wasted, and I don't think

they should be drivin'"

So he had to be the Designated Driver again, huh? Butters' parents never let him use the car, and Gary had a liesence already.

_-deep breath_- "Sure Butters, I'll be right there...Raisins, right?"

The naive boy on the other end of the line made a sqeeling sound, and Gary could hear broken laughter behind him.

"Y-yeah, thanks alot Gary, I owe ya' one."

Butters hung up, his last words sounding nearly desperate. Stan and his friends went out drinking alot more, ever since Wendy

moved away to Washington, D.C. He grabed his mom's keys off the hook by the door, and ran a comb through his perfect blonde hair.

Gary pulled on his red sport coat and laced up his white Nikes, and trudged out the door to his mother's minivan.

_If only mom had bought a smaller car., _he thought, _Then I wouldn't have enough room to pick those fuckwads up._

The car nearly ran into his sister's rose garden as Gary smacked his arm. He wasn't even thinking about it. It just happened.

Gary knew he was better than that.

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"But what about da' new one?", Stan asked the van at large, leaning on a sleeping Tweek for suppor

"Hoo yeah, she was fine s' hell!", Kyle half yelled, half slurred from the middle row.

Tweek opened his eyes to see Stan, who had fallen into his lap. He shreiked loudly and hit Stan on the head with an

un-cordinated punch. The other boys laughed uproariously, as a dazed Stan was pushed by Tweek onto Jason,

who shoved him back at Tweek.

Gary gritted his teeth, restraining himself as fresh insults flooded his thoughts.

A drunk Stan, Kyle, Tweek, Jason and Token were realy getting on his nerves.

Gary pulled up to the apartment complex where Token and Jason lived, and watch the boys walk up to their respective flats.

He didn't know why they liked drinking. It made them so retarded and even sick the next day.

But he couldn't let them just drive themselves home.

Tweek was next, then Stan. Kyle sat in the middle row, watching Gary closely in the mirror. He knew Kyle was notorius for not

holding his liquor, so he sped up a bit. He opened his mouth and Gary tensed.

"Ha' come you let us pus' you around like tis'?"

Gary was very taken aback. He didn't think Kyle had ever thought of how his role as Designated Driver made him feel.

He chose his next words carefully, incase Kyle remembered any of this tomarrow morning.

"I,,,I just...I just don't want you guys to get hurt." There was a long pause as Kyle let Gary's words sift through his mind.

They were almost at his house now.

"You need ta' grow some Ga' damn balls, Gare.", Kyle laughed.

Gary stopped the car in the middle of the street, and wheeled around to face Kyle.

_I can't belive I thought he gave a shit about my feelings_.

The familiar urge to punch himself flooded his brain.

But this time, he took it out on Kyle's face....

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Gary fell heavily onto his bed. His thoughts were racing as he gasped for breath through sobs.

He was saying things in his head he didn't mean, like he wasn't in control anymore.

_I'm so stupid, why did I have to hit him? Oh God, why?_

-_punch_-

_Mom will be so mad at me! All the kids at school will find out! Even fucking Craig!_

_-hit-_

_I think I broke his nose!_

_*his big ugly kike nose* _

_Shut up!_

_-slap-_

_-punch-_

_!'m so patheric! Why can't I just control myself? Idiot!_

_-hit- _

_*you sound just like a dumbass little emo kid!!*_

Gary punched his head harder, until his vision got blurry.

_Such- an- idiot!- you- have- to- be- good!!_

_*you'll never be good enough for anyone, especeily that cunt Jenny*_

_Shut up!!_

_-punch-_

_*who's gonna stop me?*_

_God will_

Gary got up shakily and kneeled on the edge of his bed. He clasped his trembling hands together and closed his eyes.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I thank thee for my family and this beautiful evening.", Gary paused as more teardrops fell onto

his hands and quilt.

"Please help me", he swallowed hard and shut his eyes tighter, "Please help me to stop obsessing over everything, It

realy hurts alot..." Gary took a deep, calming breath, "Please give me strength. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

He knelt there, the dull throbbing pain from his angry punches fading slightly as he contentrated on hearing The Holy Ghost*.

Snow started falling softly outside, and the bright waning moon broke through the clouds. There was no still small voice.

Not even a 'feeling', or an 'arua' of an answer.

"What did I do?", Gary spoke, finaly, to his empty bedroom.

"Give me a sign, please, something!- anything!", He stood up, throwing his red jacket on the floor.

"Was it all that crazy stuff I did with Craig and those guys?" The tears coming to his eyes were stinging now.

Gary felt his knees buckle as the silence in his mind strangled the hope he had fought for.

He fell to the floor, feeling weaker than a teenage boy ever should.

_God. Please, just answer me. Say something, anything!_

_*Why should he?*_

_I need you, Jesus! Please help me!_

_*Why would God give a fuck about YOU Gary, you whiney bastard?"_

_Shut up! I'm a good person! I've been a good Mormon all my life!_

_*That's all you are, isn't it?, just a nice little Mormon boy who's fallen from grace.*_

_No!-I, I..._

_*Face it, you're worthless, you don't mean shit to God and Jesus anymore.*_

_That's not true! and stop saying those words!_

_*Shit, shit ,fuck, cunt, asshole, shit, fuck, fuck, kike, nigger, shit, fuck-*_

"Aaah! Make it stop!" Gary grabbed his head in his hands and slammed it into the hardwood floor.

Then it all went black.

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_*Coming Undone by Korn and Breathe into Me by Red_

*The Holy Ghost, in the Mormon beleif, is a messenger of God that is like your consious.(ms)

Reveiws make me a happy narwhal!


	4. Hole In The Earth

**Chapter 4: Hole In The Earth**

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_Where am I? Did I die?_

Gary's head was trobbing with pain, and he could feel clotted blood plastering some of his hair to his forehead.

The smell of latex filled his nostrils and he opened his sore eyes. He was in a hostpital bed. His mother was asleep

in a chair by his side, and the noise from the hallway that had awoken him told Gary his Dad and siblings were here

as well. He looked down at himself in his flimsy hospital gown and flinched at the sight of the IV needle in his wrist.

Gary watched as his mother stirred in the armchair, and it brought one worry to the front of his mind.

_Do they know what happened?!?_

She opened her eyes, and her face lit up when she saw Gary sitting up, awake at last.

He smiled at his mother's beeming face, she looked so worried about him.

"Oh Gary!", she said breathlessly, getting up and throwing her arms around her son's neck, "Thank God you woke up!"

Gary gritted his teeth discreetly at the sound of that name, _God_.

"George, get in here, Gary's awake now!"

His afformentioned father was soon at his bedside, along with his brothers and sisters, hugging him and telling him how

much they loved him. And of course, how much they had prayed for his recovery.

"What..happened?", he finaly had the guts to ask.

Everyone went quiet.

Gary's older brother Landon put his hand on his shoulder and spoke softly, as if of the dead.

"We called your friend Butters, and he said you were with Kyle."

Gary almost laughed at the discription of Butters as his friend, it went without saying. Everybody was Butters' friend.

"We went to the Broflovski's house, and when Kyle answered the door, he had a bandage on his nose."

_*his big fugly kike nose*_

Gary tensed his wrist, making his IV needle push deeper, as Landon countinued.

"He said you and that boy Craig has a fight, and he tried to break it up."

His father shook his head and his little sister Maggie giggled.

"I guess you didn't get beaten up too bad, but when you came home, you passed out from exaustion."

_No. Kyle wouldn't...Just to cover it up for me?_

Landon ran an idle hand through his orange hair and countinued, unable to make eye contact with his younger brother.

"We called him when we found you in your room, wondering if he knew anything about it, and he told us."

Gary tried his best not to look shocked. How did Kyle even know about it? About his....his problem.

_Maybe he was just drunk before, maybe he didn't mean that stuff he said. Kyle's always been a pretty nice guy._

"The doctor says you'll be able to go home and back to school soon, isn't that great?", said his father, patting his arm.

"yeah, gr-great...hey, why'd I get in that fight, anyway?"

Gary decided to play along. It was a weird excuse, and he wasn't sure how Craig, of all people, had gotten mixed up in it.

"Oh", Landon blushed, stuffing his hands in his pockets, "Kyle said Craig had just been mad at you for something...I don't know,

it sounded dumb."

Gary lied back on his pillows and his family left to let him rest.

_Hmm I thought Kyle would have more of an imaginaaaation than that._

He tried to laugh, but it made his head hurt.

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_*Hole In The Earth by Deftones_

**Author's Note:** Short chapter, next one should be better. I also had to give the Harrison's names, so I just used the names of Mormons I used to know, to make it more authentic ^ ^

Thanks for your reveiws and alerts! *virtual hug*!


	5. Decadence

**Chapter 5: Decadance**

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Gary watched carefully as Kyle left his table with Stan, Cartman, and Kenny, and ran up to him when he walked out the door.

"Hey, Kyle."

The redhead turned around and eyed him suspiciously, before breaking into an odd grin which showcased his newly un-braced teeth.

"Hey, Gare."

"Why'd you tell my brother Craig and I got in a fight?"

Kyle raised his eyebrows at the slightly shorter boy in front of him and fiddled with the keychain on his messenger bag.

"It just seemed like something you might do...you know, if you wern't a wuss."

_So that wasn't just the booze talking._

"Why would we..."

"Oh, c'mon, Gary, I know all the shit he told people about you." Kyle put a hand on Gary's shoulder and he looked at the ground.

"Yeah..well..."

"It was just a little lie so you wouldn't get in trouble, what's the big deal?"

_What is the big deal? Me and Craig used to lie to our parents all the time. I guess I just feel like they have the right to know._

Kyle steped back, returning his rather lanky arm to his side. He looked like we was about to speak, but couldn't realy find the way to turn his thoughts into words. Gary looked up at him, one pale hand jammed in his jeans pocket, the other holding his blue Jansport backpack on his shoulder.

"What did happen that night?", Kyle finally asked, barely loud enough for Gary to hear.

He stood there, shaking slightly.

_I can't have anyone know..Craig's already told them way too many of my secrets..this one is mine_.

"I just fell down.", Gary stated, as calmly as he could manage. Then, before the confused redhead could open his mouth, he walked into the crowd of students, dissapearing from veiw.

Kyle hung his head as people heading for thier next class swirled around him.

"I don't think so, Gare, I don't think so."

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"Hey Gary, you commin' to Young Men's tonight?"

Gary listened to the familiar but currently unwelcomed sound of his old friend Kody's voice come through the phone, and breathed static into the microphone in response.

"Sorry, I..I have something I need to do."

There was a scielence that was nearly palateable before Kody spoke again.

"Oh..that's alright, Gary, see you on Sunday."

He set the phone back in it's cradle and picked up his old, dusty address book. The one with the T-rex on it.

"Hello..is this the Tucker residence?"

A nasaly male laugh confirmed his guess, and Gary spoke before Craig could answer.

"Stark's Pond, 8:30 sharp, come alone..I'm not taking your shit anymore."

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_*Decadance by Disturbed_


	6. A Place For My Head

**Chapter 5: A Place For My Head**

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Gary's whole body was shaking as he neared Stark's Pond. It was 8:30p.m, exactly, and this was it. His heart

pounded in his chest as the moonlight cut harshly into his darkened eyes. His breath came faster as his feet

hit the ground in heavy, controlled steps.

This was what he needed...somehow.

Just to give him a taste of what it was like to hurt. Even if Craig would have all his friends to run back to the next day.

Not to mention his sanity.

Gary saw the tall shadow loom out of the darkness and into view, the eyes he had watched so many times

before break into peals of laughter, the hands that had patted his back, now curled into fists.

The dark eyes swung upwards, catching him in up in a wave of what he would have to call terror...if he was afraid.

But somehow..he wasn't.

If Craig Tucker had taught Gary Harrison one thing, it was that fear was weakness and anger was strength.

He'd never know that pain he'd put Gary through, Craig couldn't understand pain anymore.

He only caused it.

Gary narrowed his sharp blue eyes, the pain condensing into a rage that was both exhilarating and binding,

as Craig advanced toward him, head down, jaw set.

They didn't need words. They both knew what to do.

One from experience, the other from instinct.

The ground seemed to shake under his feet as Craig's arms locked onto his shoulders, but he returned the

shove with a strength only anger could have given him.

The teenager fell backward, grabbing the front of Gary's coat and pulling him down as well.

Gary sat up, Craig now pinned underneath him, and felt the satisfying deep 'thud' as his fist connected with

Craig's jaw. He spat a gobbet of blood onto the frozen ground, and swung at Gary, who ducked and jumped off of him.

Graig shot up, his jaw leaving a crimson trail behind him, and found Gary over against a tree. The shock of what

he'd just done still hadn't worn off, and Craig took his chance.

He was cornered, surrounded by a wall of muscle and aggression. Gary's only power now we're those memories.

But he wasn't fast enough. Tears poured out of his eyes and his teeth pierced his lip as Craig's punches hit their marks.

His own were lost, in a flurry of what he was terrified to see was his own blood.

_He's going to kill me...I'm going to die..._

_*What a way to die..snuffed out by some schoolyard bully!*_

_No..stop_

His knees gave out under the pressure, and Gary slid painfully down the thick tree trunk.

"Craig..stop..go away."

Craig pulled back and cast his looked down at the blonde boy at his feet. His expression almost blank.

Gary gritted his teeth.

_It's now or never._

"I said- GO AWAY!"

Everything was a blur...was that him screaming like that? All Gary could feel was the sharp connections of his and

Craig's sweaty skin, the vibrations of every grunt and movement. The metallic taste of the blood in his mouth.

Craig pushed back at him, but to no avail.

Gary stood back, drenched in the cliched mix of blood, sweat and tears. Craig's steel grey eyes panned upward,

watching the boy who had become his disciple, the boy who was never worth much until was hurt.

"Does that fix it?", he asked through swollen lips.

Gary stepped back further. The look he was giving Craig right now spoke all the words he needed to say.

_No..nothing can fix this..only time..you aren't in charge anymore...I am..shut up and bleed._

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_*A Place For My Head by Linkin Park_

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**Author's Notes:** OK, people. I need some fucking reviews. Really, I mean

it's not THAT bad, is it? *bottomlipquivers*

Hey, if you give me my 10th reveiw on Gary's Story, I'll write a one-shot for you.

EVEN---P0RN

Damn. I'm desperate. _


	7. Over And Over

**Chapter 7: Over And Over**

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Jenny walked forward, her white heels making little indents in the shallow blue carpet. It was fast and testimony meeting**,

and she spoke elequently of her faith in God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost. Her brown hair framed her sharp, elegant features,

her blue dress revealing more cleavage than she was aware of. Jenny's soft brown eyes panned over the room, settling

momentarily on Gary, the corners of her lips remained straight.

That was how it had always been. She never seemed to understand Gary had more than a crush on her. Maybe it was better that way.

_I shouldn't be here, I don't belong here anymore._

The brusies were covered up under Gary's dress shirt, but he felt sure that everyone could see them. How could they not?

The guilt was plastered on his face, even as he gave the woman speaking a small smile. Jenny had always been four years

older than him, and it never seemed to matter before. But now...now it was one of the many things stopping him from telling her

how he felt.

Jenny was twenty now, and Gary was only sixteen. There wasn't anything he could do that would make that acceptable.

She was too pretty, anyway. Too nice. Just too perfect.

Gary sat there, letting Jenny's voice waft through his ears. The sunlight left a bright rectangle on one cheek, lighting up her face.

Pretending it was him that was making her smile, and his name on her lips.

_Why do I have to love her so much..?_

_Sometimes I just want to hate her._

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School for Gary was a double-edged sword. On one hand, his friends, Butters, Kody, Kyle and Stan were there.

On the other hand, there was everyone else.

Mr. Garrison's 3rd period History class was famous for getting the most referals to the office, and today the class stayed true

to form.

Fossie and Bill were throwing baddly-made paper airplanes soaring over Gary's head, mumbling incoherently about something-or-other being 'gay'. He looked down at what was supposed to be an essay on the effect of Catholisism in Elizibethan England. Just another crappy poem; Gary's neat handwriting make it look better than it was. He sheilded it from the girls sitting next to him.

_Like they want to read it anyway. They're just talking about how flat-chested Red is._

Token was tapping out something on his desk with two pencils, while Clyde provided the human beat box acompanyment, Jason and Heidi were talking about some new movie, Tweek was sharpening all his pencils until they were like needles, and Kyle and Cartman were having a very loud argument about Human cloning.

_Too many noises. _

Mr. Garrison sat at his desk, unaware, or simply uncaring, of the state of his class. No one seemed to be working on the assinged essay, exept for Gary and Stan.

Gary, because he knew he had to get good grades.

Stan, so he could stay on the football team.

"Hey, Gary?"

He turned to face Stan, who's eyes were still on his paper as he spoke.

"Yeah?"

_I haven't realy talked to him much since fourth grade...I wonder if he's mad._

"In what year was Anne Boleyn beheaded?"

Gary almost breathed a sigh of releif, a completely factual question that he could answer with no emotion.

He watched Stan scibble the date on his paper and turned back to his own. The noise was still nearly overwelming, and this was only third period.

"Stan?"

Stan turned back and met Gary's eyes for a second before resting his arms on his knees and shifting his gaze to the floor.

"I'm not mad."

"Oh..ok..thanks."

"I am confused about one thing, though"

Stan looked up at the nervous looking blonde boy and furrowed his eyebrows.

"Why are you so quiet all the time, now?"

Gary froze.

_He noticed? I didn't even realy know I acted differenly..but I guess I must have. Why does he care? Does Stan know about Craig? Oh shit, this sounds like a soap opera!_

"Gary?"

But he had said it. Even though he was in a room full of teenagers, with the only one who had noticed he had any problem at all, he had still said it.

_*You have to, you deserve it.*_

His fist connected with his neck and he heard faint screams and gasps all around him.

There was no way Gary could cover it up this time.

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**Author's Notes: ** Sorry for the long wait :(

**The first Sunday of the month, Mormons have fast and testimony meeting instead of regular church.

You skip breakfast and lunch and bear your testimony of the Church. You can always Wiki for more (and better) information.

_*Over And Over, by Three Days Grace _


	8. Confession

**Chapter 8: Confession**

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**Author's Note:** No time has elapsed since the last chapter.

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Voices broke through the pain and adrenaline in Gary's head, screams, laughter...Stan's voice.

"Holy shit, dude!"

The dark-haired boy knelt down beside Gary, who's desk had toppled over with him still in it.

Someone had had the intelligence to call the nurse, but she hadn't arrived yet. Gary looked up at Stan,

his blue eyes filled with what looked alot like concern, but he couldn't trust him that well.

Gary's leg was caught underneath the desk, his body twisted in such a way that he could only move

his head up a few inches before a metal pole pressed strongly against his side. He didn't care. He deserved it.

"Why the fuck did you do that?!?", a bemused Eric Cartman asked from the back of the crowd that had

gathered around Gary, "I could've done it for you, you know."

The burn behind his eyes intensified slightly as a few kids chuckled at the remark, though many,

including Kyle and Stan, put the fat boy in his place.

The nurse hurried into the the room. Gary closed his eyes as he felt her checking him and heard her

gratting voice. His brain was going wild, his thoughts coming disjointedly all at once.

_I wish they'd stop staring at me.- Mom and Dad will kill me for this.- Why is Stan being nice to me?-_

_Why can't I just control myself?!?- What's wrong with me?- Is this God's way of punishing me for all _

_that crazy stuff I did with Craig and those guys?!!?- Answer me!- Please God- Help me!_

The nurse's voice broke through Gary's haze, asking for him to get up and come with her to the office.

Now everyone knew what Gary Harrison had become.

_I'm so...scared._

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His legs shook as they carried him, almost against his will, down the hallway of South Park High and into

the brightly lit and bustling office.

Gary stopped fighting the agonizing buring behind his blue opal eyes, and the tears poured out like a waterfall.

His parents were called. He waited for them in the nurses office, lying back on the ripped pleather sick-bed

and listening as the voice in his head told him the things he was starting to believe more and more.

The sound of his mother's fearful voice out in the hallway washed over him like acoustic needles.

Somehow, accepting the fact-

that he had become obsessed with bad words,

that he had a voice in his head that hated him and wanted him dead,

and that he couldn't contol himself...

was as painful as it was true.

Gary rolled over onto his side, letting the bruise from the desk feed him more of the pain he couldn't help

thinking he deserved.

The graffiti on the wall in front of him distracted him momentarily from the sound of his father's voice, now audible, outside the room.

He ran one shaking finger over the sharpie-marked words of high-shcool drama and philosiphy.

"Kenny has a nice ass"

"U fag"

" can tounge my chode!"

"When life gives you lemons, throw them at a Jew"

Gary chuckled sielently to himself, his fingers tracing downwards to something written in fresh red ink. He

pulled them back as the pigment stained his fingers, reading the slightly smudged message as he did so,

the sound of footsteps growing loader outside the nurse's door.

"I'm sorry for wasting your time with my love"

Fresh tears welled up in Gary's eyes. The last thing he wanted to think about right now was Jenny.

The door opened.

The questions came.

The facade crumbled

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_Confession, by Red_

**Author's Note: **The offer still stands, give me my tenth review, and you get a one-shot. Please- I beg

of you- listen to the song that goes with each chapter while you read it. It goes together.


	9. Pushing Me Away

**Chapter 9: Pushing Me Away**

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The sharp clink of glasses met Gary's ears as he steped off the last stair and into the kitchen. Landon was at

seminary, where he was also supposed to be, and everyone but his mom and himself were still asleep.

He hadn't gone to school yesterday. His mom had made an appointment with a shrink.

_Like everything can be better..like I can just forget it.._

_*You'll never be normal again*_

Gary watched as his mother loaded dishes into the dishwasher. He knew she was dissapointed in him.

Somehow she knew he didn't believe in God anymore. He could feel it.

"Good morning, Gary", Mrs. Harrison said rather blankly, "You going to go to school today?"

_No 'how are you', no 'why were you up all night sobbing your eyes out', just, 'you'd better get to school,_

_young man!'_

His eyes trailed over the laminate as he thought about what going to school today would entail.

More people staring at him because he'd cry and shake for no reason, Cartman being a fuckwad....

Mrs. Harrison didn't notice her son giving his arm a hard pinch before answering, "I really don't think I can

take it today."

She sighed and leaned against the counter, brushing some slightly greying hair out of her face.

"Gary, I know this is hard for you-"

_You have no idea._

"and I know you're very confused right now-"

_I think maybe you're the one that's confused._

"but you need to go to school."

_I need to be reminded what a phycho freak I am._

"I need to be reminded what a phycho freak I am?!?"

"Gary!"

His mother walked over to him briskly and tried to pull him into a hug, but Gary pulled away.

"You're just having problems adjusting to being a teenager and-"

_NO. Will anyone even try to listen to me?_

"I'm sorry I'm not who I was supposed to be, ok?!?"

Mrs. Harrison steped back as the colour drained from her normaly bright face.

"What are you talking abou-?"

"I was supposed to be perfect, and I'm not," Gary clutched the back of a chair and took a deep breath, "I don't believe in God, mom..I'm not who you want me to be."

His mother was silent in the few seconds he was still in the kitchen, before running out into the cold morning air. That was his truth.

That was the secret.

Why stick around and hear the lecture?

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_Pushing Me Away, by Linkin Park_

**Author's Note: **This is the second-to-last chapter. Please review!


	10. Points Of Authority Somewhere I Belong

Chapter 10: Points Of Authority/Somewhere I Belong

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The snow squeeked under Gary's sneakers as he walked briskly away from his house. He had left

his coat at home and was only wearing a blue T-shirt and faded jeans.

Cold air stung at the back of his throat as he tried to ignore the thoughts that wernt his own,

invading his mind at a break-neck pace. Gary wasn't headed toward school. For all he knew,

he wasn't headed toward anything. He didn't feel his legs moving him away as he brought

useless arguements against the voices, useless because no matter how much sense they

made, that voice was stronger than him now.

Whatever 'he' was.

Stan's house apeared out of the corner of his blurry vision, mocking him with it's

friendly glow of light.

The voice loudly comanded things Gary couldn't bear to think.

Rape.

Violence.

Suicide.

Only one of those seemed...almost beautiful.

_*Go ahead and run away from your life, be a fucking coward Gary- just admit that they've won! _

_That I'VE won!*_

The tears that came now felt like blood, oozing painfully out of the corners of his eyes.

Gary stopped walking and shook, answering out loud-

"Ok."

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The translucent glow of the water hovered over Gary's vision like a fog, as the tall bushes by the side

of Stark's Pond sheilded him from the sight of his classmates walking to school. His hands trembled as

they followed instructions from the now cackling voice, pulling his brown leather belt out of the belt loops

of his faded jeans.

_*She would never love you, anyway.*_

_I know._

Gary kept his eyes on the deep wrinkles in the leather as he held it around his neck. The tears still hurt, but

they came freely now, warming his cold cheeks with hot, salty drops. He fed the loose end through the buckle

and the voice laughed, footsteps in the snow telling him he'd better hurry up.

He pulled the belt tought against his skin and felt as his muscles fought to keep his airway open. The voice

thundered in his ears, egging Gary on. He dropped to his knees and pulled tighter with a grunt- which was

quickly stolen by the cold Colorado air. The world turned grey then black around him, and he felt the icy snow

against his face as he fell forward.

"Gary?!?"

The voice seemed so far away, but hands pulling him off the ground told him it was real. The belt was yanked

swiftly off the reddened skin of Gary's neck, and he quickly found himself pulled against a warm brown jacket.

He coughed and gasped for breath into the slightly rough material, as hands pulled him into a standing position.

"St-st.."

The blue eyes meeting his own answered the unasked question. The look on Stan Marsh's face was enough to

make a Hell's Angel cry.

That expression held every question he could possibly want to ask Gary right now, but his lips were shut tightly,

just holding the blonde boy and letting him rest his head on Stan's shoulder. He dropped the belt to the gound.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I..I-"

"Don't..don't do this, ok?!?"

Stan stared down at Gary, guilt painting his pale face and cuts and bruises on his neck.

"Why?"

The question hung in the air like a fog, but Gary knew there were no words to answer this with, no easy

explanation.

A single warm tear drop slid down his face. Stan closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

When he opened them again Gary was staring at him with a look of appreciation and confusion.

"Why do you care?"

"I don't want you to die."

"....."

_Me neither._

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End file.
